Happy Birthday To ME

I am thankful to see this day (and everyday). I am thirty years old. I will not obsess or worry over what this means. I am not an 'old lady' yet ;) I do not have any specific plans for the day. I have been happy to hear from family and friends who are wishing me well and happy I am still on times side of life.

So what does thirty mean to me? Well I'm not in my twenties anymore. I had looked forward to that decade imagining that I'd be young and sexy mover and shaker. I never had any ideas about what thirty would be like. I have decided to be determined not to worry about what people think. I spent too much of my 20s doing this. I would dress and wear my hair according to what people thought. I would not buy certain accessories or clothes because it was so different and it would stand out and the general consensus might be that it is not cute (though I like it). I also have concluded that I must accept myself. Some things about me are not going to change. I have sobered to the idea that I am short. I am 5'3 and not going to get any taller. Yes I always felt my spirit was much taller but the fact remains I am 5'3. Also I have big hair. I must just embrace this instead of pinning all this hair in a ball and the nape of my neck. I also don't know if I'll ever be skinny (or if I even want to be).

I believe I am wiser than I have ever been. I know because I can tell you if I don't know something; and I don't know everything. I also have a thirst for knowledge. I have learned only fools feel they know it all and that there's nothing you can tell them.

Lastly I know that tomorrow is not promised. I know that this story- the ultimate Book of Devan has an ending somewhere- at least the flesh certainly does. So I plan to live life to the fullest. I don't want to be fearful or worrisome; but rather to trust in God and the be present for my life. So I suppose I should end this and get on with living! God Bless you have an awesome day, I plan to! :)

Rambling

Can rambling ever be good? Well hopefully so. Because right now I have to get this out. I feel compelled to write, and in such a way as I usually would by hand in a decorative blank book of a journal. I have run out of space in my latest one and I continue to forget to pick up another one.

I tend to waste time lately. I hate to admit this but I believe by my usual tight wad standards, I am in fact wasting time. Wasting it either in leisure or curious researching without a present purpose. Like I just spent about 3 hours watching a documentary about JFK assasination. This subject interests me a great deal ever since I saw Oliver Stone's movie about it. The film I just finished watching was called "The Men who killed JFK". It was parts of an A&E special. It was very in depth and I believe it all to be accurate. I promised myself I would not go babbling passionately about any conspiracy theories to my husband because he won't 'buy anything just because I have' (a paraphrasing of his words). Also it's harder to tell someone all about some documentary. He may as well watch it, but he would not. He'd rather play Guild Wars for 3 hours and declare it is NOT a waste of time. He knows how to relax. I don't. Even when I do I feel I should be doing something else.

Like the never-ending laundry, mopping the floors or organizing my extensive book collection, or spending some quality educational time with my four year old son or working on my book.
But instead I have been wasting time in Second Life and on Netflix. There I have admitted this horrible fact. In between that I have thought about working on my book. I have thought of my characters and their motivations. I have done laundry, cooked breakfast, lunch and dinner and done some cleaning and fussing at my teen-aged son and my toddler son mostly about cleaning. My sons harass me about entertainment pretty often. My 4 year old plays the x-box and watches DVD's and plays with action figures. Sometimes he will try to do all three of these things at the same time. My teen is either on the phone or in and out of the house all day. He's constantly asking, "Can I go do this or that with her and him and them and if so till how long?" I feel so torn because I want him out my hair but I don't want him free to be gone for hours on end unaccountable. Its mentally tiresome.

I suspect however that I am not wasting time per-se. Perhaps this is life right now. I am thankful for all blessings, big and small. I am thankful for love and joy and material blessings. I am thankful for time as well. When I remember that my life is but a mist, and that someday it will come to an end then I feel like I should spend time doing something noble and great. So I guess I'll end this and get at it.